It never fails here in my neck of the woods.
In the late summer months all these damn cultural festivals crop up and it burns my britches, because at no time do we see anywhere in our country, a truly American Cultural festival, we have Greek festivals, Polish festivals, German and Irish, Italian and French, Russian, Swedish, Chinese, Japanese, every damn foreign, and former primitive, and communist country, has a festival here! Why there is even a Serbo-Croat festival! What the hell is that!! It sounds like some underground Anarchist Soccer team and it fans have taken over the town for one weekend.
These festivals incorporate really odd things that we Americans do not support, like men only dancing, where the men even hold hands as they dance, in funny costumes, that not one red blooded American man would be seen dead in at all. Woman wear odd and overly colorful clothing that covers all their bodies and even their heads, which harkens back to some foreign religious test about how woman should dress in public. Kids are taught to dance on their tip toes around crossed swords in so much lace and tartan that your eyes roll back into your heads from the crossed color cacophony swimming in front of you. Why are these kids not allowed to dress in their Pokemon t shirts while dancing around weapons of sharpened steel?
And we should not forget about all the weird musical instruments that come out of those foreign closets during this time, bouzoukis, what the hell is a bouzouki and why does anyone want to hear that instead of a zither?
And then there are the religious undertones, parades of men dressed so oddly, and carrying giant statues of dead people, that were not born here, and may have never even existed in the first place! I have even seen a Christian cross with two horizontals crossing the vertical shaft, does their Jesus have four arms or something???? People now wear gold and silver moons and stars around their necks, and thick chains that in the olden days was only used to control a dog with! I am surprised that people are not wearing large cow bells yet, and that woman are not placing hundreds of metal rings on their neck to stretch them into outlandish proportions!! What, foot binding, pendulous ear lobes, and noses pierced with bones next??
And don't get me started on all that weird foreign food! Cabbage and noodles swimming in an ocean of butter, weird tubed meats, fried squids in ink sauce, some poisonous looking green paste called "pesto", oddly shaped confections that have names that are unpronounceable to our American tongues and ears, and that are so sweet your teeth hurt when you bite into one.
And now all of our American grocery stores have taken up these strange cultures and offer things like gelatinous cubes of beans, funny soybean and chickpea concoctions, unknown meat by-products, soups and stews with odd mixes of things, many weird breads, made with oats and soda, breads covered in sesame seed and opium poppy seeds, flat breads and puffed breads, and all types of smelly new cheeses, made with goat and sheep milk, and covered in dried weeds, are now found in abundance all over our country, seaweed, who eats seaweed? And this is a direct result of these multiple, and ever growing cultural festivals, and or course, the insidious left wing agenda to shove foreign influences down our dainty all American throats daily.
We must stop this and bring back our true American culture of powdered wigs and silk stockings, silver buckled shoes, tea drinking must be mandatory now, the Queen's English must be taught in all of our schools and practiced in the halls of our government. We must again use words like harken, and say things like "thou art" and "fore-sooth" and gadzooks", and bring back wonderful Americanisms like "The Bees Knees" and "twenty three skiddo". we should greet each other every day with real Americanisms like "dude, where's my car", "show me the money", "you can't handle the truth", and even"Howdy-do neighbor".
We must stop foreign foods being pushed on us and eat all American foods like deep fried Oreos, beef only hot dogs, no chicken or turkey dogs ever again, down with Asian vegetable medleys, up with succotash and creamed peas, more ketchup, mustard and mayo please, and less green and red chili sauces!
And if one more person tries to shove a basket of zucchini, and funny black, orange, yellow or green tomatoes at my, I am going to fucking scream holy murder!
The only squash we eat is Butternut and the only tomato we eat is the All American Early Girl.
Be more American, stop all the foreign cultural influences being promoted in America today!